Living Dangerously
Or
Is it time to Move Yet?
As we age, there are frequently two life-changing decisions
that face us: “Do I have to give up the car
keys?” and “Is it time to move?” In both instances, we come to a
crossroad; two paths to take, a complex choice to make. Do we hold tenaciously onto independence, the
freedom to leave home to complete daily chores such as shopping, social
outings, visits to friends and family when it’s convenient for us. You just get in the car, assure there is
enough gas, and you’re off. Ah, then
doubts creep in; “Can I see clearly enough in the dark?” “Can I easily twist my
head around to check for passing cars?” Has my reaction time slowed
dangerously?” “What if it starts to rain or snow?” “How close to my destination can I find
parking?” We dread the day our grown
children begin making subtle hints to us; joking about the need to take away
Granny’s keys. Not funny. We know they’ll come a time when we have to
make that judgment, give up that bit of independence, depend upon the kindness
of friends and family, or often simply stay home in isolation and
frustration. Resources exist, more
abundant in urban areas, such as bus lines, neighbor care riding programs, ride
share programs offered through religious and community service groups. But that means the loss of spontaneity, the
creeping need to ask for help.
“Is it time to move?”
This presents a more daunting challenge.
This is your home. It holds
countless memories, echoes of children shouting down the stairs, or across
backyards; worn parts of throw rugs, shelves laden with books read and re-read,
plants and gardens you’ve nurtured. Of,
course, there are also the steps leading down to the first floor and basement;
the “handicapped inaccessible” shower and tub; the need to change light bulbs,
fix leaky faucets, repair plumbing, or roofs.
When both spouses are alive, one often takes on the chores of the
relatively more fragile or older partner, and it works for a time. For those
living alone, the barriers loom larger. Often our first reactions land in the
usual ‘mental baskets’ of denial, anxiety or stubbornness. Sometimes, a new illness, a fall, or a change
in visual acuity or hearing forces the need to pause, reflect and look at
options and choices. As you face these
challenges, you might find it helpful to frame your thoughts around some key questions/issues.
Safety: So let’s
get real. Can you continue to drive a
car, maneuver through traffic, hear, see and react to other vehicles and get to
your destination safely and without near-misses? Be honest with yourself.
Remember, this should be a dialogue between you and your spouse, or with
yourself. No hiding behind a brave
front. At home, can you do all that
needs be done for yourself without the danger of falling, loosing balance or
forgetting to turn off the oven? Do you
have a cadre of family, neighbors or friends who can be called to change a
light-bulb, repair a leaky faucet, and winterize your house?
Many communities offer home assessments for those who are
‘aging in place’ to recommend or install a variety of safety and accessibility
modifications. Search for them and use
them. Asking for a little help early may
serve to extend your independence.
Health/fragility: Here is where a frank discussion with
your doctors can be critical in making the decision to move from single to
congregate living quarters. Do you take
multiple medications, and remember which ones to take when? Does an illness, if unstable, lead to medical
crises; loss of balance, bleeding, severe pain, loosing consciousness, difficulty
breathing? What’s your crisis plan and
is it workable? And no, a son or
daughter living an hour away with family and work commitments is not workable
for emergencies.
Housekeeping/daily
chores: Can you keep your house
clean and relatively neat without help?
If you need assistance, do you have access to a cleaning service, or
local community members who can provide help for a modest fee? In some communities, barter systems have
developed, with more able-bodied neighbors doing the heavy work, and others
provided meals, or other less physical jobs.
If you plan to age in place, looking for cooperative programs through
neighborhood exchanges, or religious or community groups can make a difference.
Meals: Eating foods that are healthy and
adjusted to dietary restrictions on a regular schedule is critical to
maintaining overall health stability.
Skipping meals when you’ve forgotten to shop, or if you’re just too
weary to stand over a hot kitchen stove is not OK. It should be a warning sign to you. I’ve taken to buying semi-prepared foods in
local markets, and often “assemble” meals.
But mealtime also holds a myriad of social memories and experiences. How
often have you heard, or said, “Why should I bother to cook just for me? Too much trouble!” My reply is often “why not? You are important. Treat yourself!” Lunch dates with friends can
take the isolation of eating alone away, and if that is a stretch in your
budget, taking turns with friends cooking for each other is a great way to
combine the health and social benefits of eating.
Social life: We
are, by nature and experience, social animals.
From our earliest years in families and school, religious organizations,
recreational activities and community programs, we join together in groups,
learning from others, sharing common experiences, working together, born into
and creating families. Yet as we age,
family connections can change; older members die, children leave home for
school, marriage, their own families, and these natural social relationships
and interactions shrink. In our
increasingly mobile society long time friends may move across the country or
relocate to more temperate climates. One
of the least expensive and most effective ways to stay alert, engaged and
involved is to keep and expand a wide variety of social experiences; book
clubs, religious services, community events, films and concerts and lectures,
and life long learning programs. Ironically,
the independence you cling to in living in your own home may be eroded by your
difficulty in solving the complex logistics of planning, arranging rides and
arranging companionship.
One of my closest friends recently moved into a continuing
care residential community with her husband.
She noted wryly one day that “this was the kind of place we put our
mother’s into, and now it’s us!” And yet, since she and her husband moved into
a continuing care residence, they are actually busier, more social than when
they lived alone. Increasingly
congregate housing programs are offering a multitude of activities, social
experiences, learning opportunities without having to leave the campus or
building. So, bottom line, it may be
helpful to think through the choices you have, the options that exist, and your
current and likely future health status.
Go ahead, try it. List what you
must do, want to do, would love to do.
Now, rank them in order and ask yourself how you can create for yourself
the kind of life for the next year, or few years, that will provide the most
safety and the most stimulation, variety, options and yes, even joy.
I’d love to hear your
experiences as you begin making these decisions.
